Dear Citizen Discourse,
The list of topics my family avoids talking about at the dinner table has grown so much that everything feels off limits. As a result, our conversations feel frivolous to me. We live in times when we should be discussing what’s happening in our country. Also, I want the kids at the table to be raised in a family that pays attention to the world around us. How can I help my family do better?
-Frustrated with frivolity
Dear Frustrated,
You are not alone. According to a poll conducted after the 2016 election, 40% of Americans said that the election hurt a close relationship. Keeping peace at the dinner table is an understandable pursuit. And, holding ourselves accountable for knowing what’s happening in society is a critical part of being active and involved. Modeling healthy discourse and civic curiosity for our kids is a noble and essential effort. That said, having meaningful conversations about important matters with people you love is hard. It’s not going to go perfectly and there will be scrapes and bruises along the way. But we don’t get better if we don’t try.
Citizen Discourse Hot Tips
Establish ground rules. For people to feel comfortable sharing and open to receiving, clarifying up front how we want to engage and what we will and won’t tolerate will go a long way.
Settle your nervous system. In doing so, you set the stage for a more productive conversation. By not starting out with a nervous system that’s easily provoked, we give our brains the chance to pivot from a lizard – fight or flight—reaction to a more thoughtful and tempered mind set.
Listen to understand, not to persuade. Try to set aside emotions and judgments. Paraphrase to establish understanding. Get curious. Ask questions and invite wonder.
Share stories. Data and stats are a great way to show off your knowledge or to hammer a point. Personal stories connect with people’s hearts. Try to start there.
Listen to your body. If you need a minute, take a minute. Tune in. As you start to feel frustration rise, breathe. You have permission to not respond until you are ready. Fill your belly followed by your lungs and chest and finally your throat with fresh air. Slowly release the air from your throat, chest and belly. Do that again 2 or 3 more times.
Agree on a mercy word. If anyone at the table is feeling like they are outside the bounds of what feels ok, agree to step away or establish a word or phrase to let the others know to back off. That being said, don’t avoid discomfort. Growth comes when we get outside our comfort zone. Try to stick it out.
End with gratitude. Remember this exercise is not about changing your family’s minds… it’s about expanding understanding for where folks are coming from which often leads to more empathy and appreciation for why they feel the way they do.
Practice. Malcolm Gladwell claims that it takes 100,000 tries to master something. Give yourself –and others—a break if you don’t nail it. But keep trying.
Respectfully,
Citizen Discourse
To a bright new year full of joy, light, & love. –Karen Gross, Founder
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